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DISCLAIMER This is about men, women and sex so you done know somebody bound to get offended. Let me take in front before in front tek meh. This op-ed is focused on sexual attraction within the heterosexual dynamic. While it was written because of the increased violent backlash of Involuntary Celibate men, it is not a male-bashing article. My position is that masculinity and male sexuality is just as valid and healthy as femininity and female sexuality. The following deals with adult subject matter and contains adult language so if you are underage or a prude, please exit now and spare us your outrage.

We learn about falling in love from our first Disney movie, Bollywood film, fairytale novel or pop song. Then, ready or not, came puberty hot and heavy. We got to experience all those feelings first hand! We went, “Oh! I finally understand what they were singing about in those songs!” Do you remember all the cringe-worthy levels of bazodee? Do you remember the Romeo & Juliet levels of romantic angst? Oh lard oi we were burning hot!
Then came the cold water!

The apple of our eye for whom the lyrics “Everlong I’ve waited just for you!” finally rings true, turns us down flat! Or before we even ask, they gravitate to someone else with phsyical/emotional/social attributes very different to everything we are.

Rapidly on the heels of this are verbal and non-verbal cues which started to point to where we ranked on a sexual desirability scale. “When did everyone agree to these unspoken rules?” we wonder. It hit us like toxic spirit lash. Murderation on the ego! Goodbye self-esteem! No matter how amazing, intelligent and beautiful/handsome our parents told us we are (if we were even fortunate to have parents who did this to build or self-esteem), society, our peers, the media, our objects of affection, were playing by different rules. Like it or not, we became an unwitting participant in the Sexual Desirability Caste System (SDCS).

I will bet you a million dollars that the majority of fights between teenagers that we’ve been seeing on social media are directly or indirectly related to their emerging discovery and experience of the (SDCS).

Keisha and her pack of female friends gang up to humiliate the girl preferred by the boys she fancies. Kavita realizes she ranks low on the SDCS, so she finds another girl of similar low ranking and takes out her frustrations on the victim forcing her into an even lower position, thus regaining some personal power. Kevin and his pack of male friends gang up on a boy that seems to be having more success at gaining the trust of and proximity (often due to better social skills and/or possessing more disarming femininity) to the girls they struggle to approach. Krishna realizes he ranks low on the SDCS so he finds another boy of similar ranking and takes out his frustrations on him, forcing his bullying victim into an even lower position, thus regaining some personal power.

Now we have this INCEL nonsense where socially/sexually unpopular young men are taking out their frustration on all socially/sexually popular women and men, but mostly women, because they see them as easier victims.

Liberal educators want to teach teens every intricacy about sexual orientation/gender identity and the precautionary health methods for every kind of sexual interaction. Conservative educators want to teach teens that sex before marriage makes God angry and girls “impure” and contraceptives and non-reproductive sex are the machinations of Lucifer.

But hold up! What about the feelings and stresses that exist long before there is even the remotest possibility of sex? The SDCS is no respecter of lifestyle, religion, politics or culture.

I grew up in a strict Christian sect that demanded modest dress and no sex before marriage and the SDCS was still in full effect. Those with high SDCS rankings inevitably paired off with others of similar high SDCS rankings. There were hurt feelings and resentments and unhappy settling for second and third choices and failed marriages and infidelities. There were passive aggressive competitions, catfighting, bullying and outright abuse.

If that is the outcome at a micro level, within a highly controlled, almost homogeneous environment, then on the macro level, why is it any surprise that the unprepraredness to deal with the (SDCS) has become a public health and safety crisis.

Yet nobody is treating it like the public health and safety crisis it is. Researchers compile statistics. Journalists are connecting dots. Left wing activists are pointing fingers at men and patriarchy. Right wing activists are pointing fingers at women and female liberation. Save for the poets, musicians, novelists and filmmakers who make unrequited love/lust their subject matter, nobody is dealing with building personal responsibility and resiliency to the reality of the SDCS. Crazy huh? Why aren’t we teaching people how to;

Unburden From The Illusion Of Control

Ever found yourself saying; “How on earth she end up with him? I know I could love her better! It makes no sense!” or “I don’t get it, how he pick she? What he see in she that I doh have and so much more?!” Well, you have no idea the kinds of subconscious childhood factors, quirks, pheromones, emotional and primal sexual triggers are at play in their sexual chemistry. Sexual chemistry is largely out of your control!

SDCS Level One
SDCS Level One

The secondary level of the SDCS are economic, cultural and societal norms. Many of these norms are determined by elite men for their own profit and power proliferation. Some are determined by democratically agreed upon survival priorities. Either way, they are often beyond the awareness and/or control of the average man or woman unless they deliberately decide to rebel or exist on the fringes where conformity matters less. Sometimes Level One of SDCS overrides Level Two against all logic and sometimes it is the reverse.

SDCS Level Two
SDCS Level Two

Fretting over it, obsessing over it, basing your self-esteem on it is as ridiculous as basing your whole life’s happiness on where the clouds will drop rain next. The sooner you accept this, the faster your recovery time.

Informed, Enthusiastic Reciprocation Of Romantic Feelings Has Practical Benefits For Society

Even if you could trap or trick someone into feeling sexual attraction for you or wear them down until they are Stockholm Syndromed into a fake version of it or just take it by force, why would you? Unless of course you are a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath like USS Callister’s Robert Daley?

The human rights rationale for enthusiastic reciprocation is all very logical and ethical and ideally should be enough to convince people. But most people are pragmatic and need practical rationales.

Here’s one.

A woman who is mutually in love with and respects the man with whom she enthusiastically consents to sex, she tends to also have a stronger maternal bond and love for any offspring conceived by their union. This makes the offspring have a better chance at surviving because she cares more for them. She also instills love and respect in them for their father figure. However, when women are coerced, used and abused, they became listless, unproductive, anti-social, unhealthy and vengeful in passive aggressive ways, often using their children as the vessels for or weapons of their anger.

Women who hate/were violated by/live in fear of the father of their child have more difficulty being a good mother to that child
Women who hate/were violated by/live in fear of the father of their child have more difficulty being a good mother to that child

A lot of parental neglect and abuse in our country, is because of relationships built on deception, desperation and abuse in attempts to subvert the SDCS. Children can sense this! Believe it or not, children know when they were not truly wanted, or their mother has hostility or fear towards their father or visa versa. Who ends up paying when these children and teens start acting out in violent and antisocial ways? We all do!

“Yeah, I Know All That. Still Does Change The Fact Rejection F*CKING SUCKS!” You know what, I’m not even going to try the soften the blow with trite platitudes like, “Every bread have its cheese.” We need to stop doing that to people. It that harsh? Damn straight it is! Denying this harsh reality will not make it magically disappear. Just swallow the jagged little pill and get it over and done with. Let the nasty taste fill your mouth, feel it bruise on the way down. Then feel the taste subside, feel the esophagus heal, feel the pill dissolve and wait for the benefits. Come, do this exercise to innoculate yourself now.

Mentally take yourself through the worst-case scenario, for this one last time and never again!

Say you never find anyone (else) to love, desire and partner with you in this lifetime. What now? What other things make you happy, give you purpose, create the most good for your community and win you respect and connection? Now go live this 2nd choice reality as if it were your 1st choice! Do it with the same enthusiasm and gratitude as if it were your 1st choice. In that rare alchemic mix of (1) detachment to specific people/outcomes, (2) deeply lived gratitude for the here and now and (3) removing limits on the future, lies all kinds of magic!

To start, it will give you freedom from the competition of the SDCS, which will bring some instant relief. It will make you more attractive. I promise you it will! People living with purpose, inner peace, self-love and joy have a more attractive energy no matter their appearance. They are far more attractive than discontented, desperate and self-loathing people. More importantly, it will make a dream lover, merely a lagniappe or entirely irrelevant to your happiness and well-being. I shared some of the ways women do this in a previous post.

Now is the time for the guys to learn how to do the same. #SurviveTheSDCS.

Jessica Joseph

Jessica Joseph is a Trinidadian Creative Director, Human Rights Communicator, Vocal Talent, former Huffington Post Blogger and self-described, Pop Anthropologist.

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